Probable Reasons Why Some Dudes Haven’t Called Me Back


NB: I did not subject one man to all of these things. 

  1. I told him I teach health, and then relayed an in-depth story about the horrors of my high school sex ed class (charming, right?)
  2. I didn’t finish the meal he made: salmon, asparagus, and wet quinoa with scrambled eggs and pineapple.
  3. I was overly preoccupied with his lack of curtains.
  4. I recommended he read Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay.
  5. I decided, while slightly tipsy, that it would be a wonderful idea to go in depth on Jasbir Puar’s concept of “homonationalism.”
  6. I told him I have put all of my bad OkCupid messages on my blog, but assured him his notes didn’t make the cut.
  7. In a discussion of childrearing, I tried very hard not to use the phrase “our children” in reference to “the children that our generation might beget” so that it wouldn’t sound like “our possible spawn” but may have slipped up once or twice.
  8. I revealed that I wrote a fan musical about Judith Butler.
  9. I revealed that I went on a blind date that was published in a national newspaper.
  10. I am Chandler Bing.

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