You know the way they make guilt-free versions of your favorite things these days? (Gluten-free bread! Almond milk Ben and Jerrys! Stevia!) Here’s some movies that would be improved if all of the patriarchal bullshit was removed.
Four badass ladies run around New York City with Progress Packs (not be confused with proton packs) and blast humans who perpetuate sexist crap. Manspreaders on the subway? BUSTED. Catcallers? BUSTED. That creepy dude from Tinder who texts you “show me ur tits?” FUCKING BUSTED. I’m 100% certain this is the plot of the Paul Feig remake.
Keira Knightley tells her husband about his creepy friend who thinks she’s perfect and has made a wedding video that only features her face. Liam Neeson kindly explains to his son that he can’t run through an airport to profess his love to an eleven year old classmate, even if his mom is dead. Emma Thomas tells Alan Rickman that he is leaving him because he’s fucking his secretary, even if everyone loves him because he’s Alan Rickman. Hugh Grant falls in love with a woman for her mind, not her ass.
“(500) Days of Therapy”
After a delusional “relationship” with a woman, Tom realizes that the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is a plot trope identified by a man named Nathan Rabin. During his extensive time with a psychiatrist, he gets over his nice guy complex, decides to stop calling women whores in greeting cards, and goes on first dates where he is actually nice to Allison from Brown who is not Summer.
“Say Nothing, Especially Not that Peter Gabriel Song”
John Cusack stays away from his ex Ione Skye when she asks him to, and does not appear outside her window with a boom box. She does not tell her creepy dad that she slept with John Cusack, because what teenage girl would ever do that? Instead, she makes some friends, actually leaves the house, and tells John Cusack that he probably won’t become a professional kickboxer because he’s John Cusack and has he looked in the mirror.
“(Man in) Manhattan (Dates Woman His Own Age)”
Someone tells Woody Allen that it’s really fucking creepy to date a teenage girl. If she goes to Dalton, that relationship is illegal. Then they write Woody out of the movie and make it all about Mariel Hemingway, who was more interesting and attractive in the first place. They also write more of a part for young Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton because why not? The movie now passes the Bechdel test.
Joaquin Phoenix dies in the first five minutes. Samantha (Scarlett Johansson) is a fully defined woman with an actual body who goes on the queer dating site Her to find love after Joaquin Phoenix dies. She has a much better time than with Joaquin Phoenix, who wanted to keep her inside a computer.
“Independent Woman Who Just Happens to Be Pretty”
Julia Roberts does not need Richard Gere to save her because the whole “fallen prostitute in need of rehab” is a tired trope. Instead, she becomes Erin Brokovich again and fights for sex workers’ rights. She buys all her own stuff at Rodeo Drive, including that necklace, and Richard Gere does fall in love with her. He is not ashamed of her past as a sex worker and simply accepts it as part of her narrative.
Tell me – what movies would you like to see improved by feminism?